The normally calm atmosphere of the upper-middle class Salt Lake suburb of Sandy was shattered Thursday morning in a bizarre incident that can only be regarded as the first movement of a much larger battle to come. Fortunately for the human residents of this tranquil neighborhood, no one was injured and property damage was minimal. Today’s event should surprise no one and rather be taken as a clarion call to defend our homes.
But what could possibly wreak such havoc on a quiet suburban neighborhood? The answer should be as clear as a Sandy summer morning: zombies!
There has been much in the mainstream media about zombies. Television series and movies glorify and promote the zombie lifestyle, making these brain-eating degenerates seem almost cute. But no one seems to even notice the growing threat of zombie machines. Not once has a thoughtful investigation been shown on a major media outlet that details the life and death cycle of machines: what happens to their computer processors after their final gasps become a permanent BSOD; how machines can re-animate; and most of all, what threat do the re-animated machines pose to the human race?
These machines surround us and we will soon be powerless to stop them should they choose to rise up against us. They are more powerful, more plentiful and soon, will be smarter than we are. Today in Sandy, Utah those machines delivered either a warning shot across the bow of the human race or even more horrifyingly, the first of many chess moves that will result in the end of the world as we know it.
According to eyewitnesses, a Volkswagen Vanagon was parked in this serene residential neighborhood before passers-by began to notice strange behavior from the supposedly inanimate box on wheels. The neighborhood’s Homeowners Association President and noted car enthusiast Ryan Kump stated in an exclusive interview with Hooniverse.com that he believed that a short in the electrical system had caused a small fire, which then shorted the vehicle’s starter. Once that happened, the starter powered the blazing van/wagon hybrid up a short hill, which it then crested and began to coast downward, spreading its message of fiery doom at over 1 mile per hour.
Upon reaching the bottom of the hill, the devil-machine attempted to destroy the home of innocent, law-abiding human Betty McLeese with massive tongues of brimstone unleashed upon her patio. Ms. McLeese was inside her well-kept home vacuuming her light chestnut berber carpet with its unlimited warranty and stainguard protection, unaware of the flaming harbinger of death parked at her doorstep. Quick-thinking neighbors attempted to subdue the raging inferno and were assisted by heroic members of the Sandy City
Zombie Squad Fire Department before too much damage occurred.
Once the smoke cleared, it was painfully obvious what happened. Despite claims of an ongoing investigation and the outrageous statements of HOA President Kump, the method by which the coming zombie apocalypse will begin has been laid bare. While this splinter cell of one was not successful, more will come and the machines will not be happy until their diabolical plans are realized.
It’s time to wake up, America. The mainstream media refuses to address the zombie machine problem, but with education, we can stop this menace before it has an opportunity to take root and destroy our civilization.
This story should obviously be read as a piece of satire showcasing the depths to which the media stoops for sensational stories, while showing a likewise impressive lack of depth to actual investigation or facts. KSL, a Zombie-machine-denying mainstream media outlet from Salt Lake City has more breathless details. KUTV, also out of Salt Lake filed this report shortly after the incident. Credit for the photos goes to KSL.
Ray Lindenburg is an Associate Editor with Hooniverse.com, but he also contributes to his own site Hatchtopia.com. Head over there for all things hatchback.